I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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