please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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