Too much gin, very little bucket
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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