So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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