Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
