Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
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I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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