He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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