so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
