I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
