mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
