The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
