frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
