I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
