Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
