just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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