Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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