suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
