I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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