My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I can't put those talents on a resume
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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