drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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