I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
