People with herpes should wear stickers.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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