You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
