i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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