my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
