i think my tv is drunk
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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