I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
