someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
