I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
