if you like me you must not know who I am
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
