i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
