we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
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