well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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