You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize