Pappa wants mamma naked
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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