Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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