I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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