writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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