I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I need a beard to bite.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
