dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
