If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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