She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
