im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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