i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
