when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
