i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
