I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
