You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
