I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
