he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
