apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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