I wish I could punch you in the face.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
