Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
