shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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