He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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