i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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