Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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