I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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