Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
